You Can't Always Get What You Want! - Part 1

Whataya want from me? or God, even the Universe; for those who behold that belief highly, is a big question to all of us. It might arise in the unlikeliest of places, like on an endless shopping spree or in one of those leisure bathroom breaks where your mind escapes to infinity; lost in a deep thought. Even in the awakening arousing from a phrase in the novel assigned by the book club or when we explore the unexplainable nature of our imagined world. In our loneliest hours; all by ourselves, maybe praying where there is always the tendency to become carried away and greedy, demanding for more than what's in our reach, overlooking the line drawn between what we rightly deserve and that we don't. Bottom line, everyone wants!

However, is it really harmful that you want something so badly - that to have it in your hands is dearest to you at the moment, no matter what the price is? Well of course not, unless it becomes an obsession which is a different scenario it self. Sadly, this very word is quite often degraded by its usage, by many who rather use it in the sense of a desire. To want something is to want it earnestly, with all your heart and soul. You seek it until you achieve it, you give it your best shot. As sometimes things do not work out, the way you 'want' them to - all you can do is try.

The best example that pops up in my mind, is the time before the announcement of ones previous examinations result, where students as a last resort murmur similar words, "Oh God! I wish that i get all A's in my exams, please God! Pleeasssee. It is very important, that I have these grades, my mom is going to kill me otherwise. I want all A's. I will do anything, I will be a good person." There you go, the irony lies in the statement itself; where at one point a person is wishing for something to happen than later on wanting it. If someone really did want it in the first place, than why on Earth did he not direct all his efforts towards it when he had the chance? Rather than later on grieving and regretting being in such a situation where prayers could only save him, where uncertainty takes over him.

The answer is quite simple, he never wanted that, he would have preferred to have it, wished that he did; as his future would have been easier without the need to struggle through unforeseen obstacles but his life wouldn't have been over in his eyes if he didn't. He would have survived, dealt with it and moved on. Though if the very same person, did manage to luckily enough surprise his own self and got the desired result, than instead of being grateful for this precious gift, his rock and roll all night and party everyday attitude would have taken shape. A person who wanted those grades truthfully, would have known that he deserves them and wouldn't have created such a fuss about getting them; after having their heart set on achieving that and spending so much time earning them, why bother wasting another breath on it.

There is only a very thin line between wishes and wants; you wish for something when you realize that it would be a very unlikely case that you possess it or have the chance of doing it. Wishes are usually very straight forward, something that one really doesn't hide as they are just a mere reflection of ones own self. Ones deepest wishes are his desires, acknowledging them means discovering our inner self and accepting the core of our motivations. When we deny our desires and attach rules or codes to our lives, we cut ourselves off from our gifts, love and creativity. It secretly posses a threat to our success both in career and personally; our optimum potential is not enhanced, abilities are not capped and well, loss of interest is just one of the initial steps towards a self destructive path.

So what, big deal, just a few grammatical errors than and there - doesn't really make a difference, right? That's most probably going through your head by now. There is a saying that goes like, "If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed" and the wrong interpretation of these words well can be hurtful, misleading and dismaying. Yes, there are quite a few many variances of these words but they all have their differences and that's what is important to recognize over here.

Wants. Wishes. Desires. Hopes. Dreams. Lust. Long. Crave. Yearn. Aspire.

To be continued ...

AWKWARD.

In the middle of the room, I could feel that the walls were enclosing upon me, I was suffocating, I could barely breathe. My eyes wandering off to pay heed to details, like as if this was not a familiar place; taking notice for the very first time of the microwave's broken handle, barely holding on the edge. Everything was so hazy and blurred that I felt my vision being completely blocked and the world was spinning around in circles; as if someone had pulled up the blinds allowing the rays of the sun to stream through and their brightness causing flash blindness.

A radical unlikely possibility was the best explanation at the moment for what I was experiencing. Had I drank too much vodka? Had I partied too hard? Or worse! Maybe I had gone back to the good old days of snorting cocaine and disguising my misery. They do say old habits die hard. I have never felt so out of context with this circle of friends, to just be in their presence was like a safe haven for me. I could feel that the place which I used to call home, being snatched and taken away from me so far beyond that I would never be able to find it again.

Their conversations would calm me down, guide me and we could discuss and talk about each and every matter but all of a sudden that reposeful contained soothing feeling felt like was lost forever. I used to be the center of attention, I felt like saying something but I just didn't care enough. I could just go sit in the corner. All alone right next to the freakishly annoying standing glass mantel clock. With complete confidence, I could say neither of the three would notice the bizarreness of the situation - and I ain't being cocky!
 
Their words sounded like as if they were speaking a language alien to me. For the first time I was distracted, lost in my own world, hearing noises I would usually ignore. That of the bustling fast shabbily blue coloured sky train passing by outside the apartment, overpowering their hearty laughs and high pitched voices. I did not have the slightest idea, the tiniest clue, no hint whatsoever! About why they were screaming on top of each others voice. Phrases that's all I could catch from the midst of their heated up conversation so disconnected like as if I was some kind of ghost or dead meat to them.
 
Was I too far fetched in my surreal dreams and fantasies. Or was it the nerve-wracking pressure of the work load at the office. Perhaps even the stress of completing the thesis for my doctorate by the end of the month. There were many countless reasons for why this was happening but my mere existence seemed to be of little importance to them at the time, as if I was 'resting in peace' in their sights. Over analyzing and being crumbled with so many different thoughts, I couldn't figure it out my self.

I just had to get out of the room, it was like my body was being crushed by this immense powerful imaginary force and likewise an extraordinary pain boiling furiously right out of my gut. The escape boat, I had been waiting for like a period that seemed so long and never ending, finally came by. I could not bear to spent another second in this company. With the excuse that the buzzer of the oven in which a delicious spicy chicken was being roasted went off, in a jiffy I stood up and left to take a moment outside in the terrace. The looks on their faces were astonishing, heartbreaking, leaving me speechless as if I was not present this whole time, as if I was a stranger, an outlier. It was a long awkward moment ...

Got a secret ... Can you keep it?

A few days ago, this friend of mine had posted on Facebook,
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough". Quite thoughtful and deep words indeed! It's a vicious cycle - trust. One can go into self destructive mode without it and on the other hand too much of it can crumble your whole life to ashes.

We are all human, and come to terms with it or not - all of us in some way; willingly or indirectly rely on each others support, and that is the truth. One trusts the transport system of the city to get to work on time, one trusts the school teacher of your child to carry out her duty, one trusts the doctor to give you the right medicine for your illness. One trusts! But fails to realize or recognize such trust, which is quite ironic considering where one would be without it.

The trust we do acknowledge is such that one cant buy, rather earn over a period of time - again varying from person to person, situation to situation. A saying goes,
"true friendships are based on trust .."
but sadly not all friendships are based on trust, and what is this trust? In my view it is in a peculiar way an indiscrete level of understanding between two individuals, an idea which requires perpetual silent mutual agreement - one which keeps on growing, never ending, being limitless.

Not all the times the other person is at the same level as we are, which tends to be of conflict in conversations and maybe the only time the issue of trust is brought up; usually leading to arguments, fights, and even the collapse of ones relationship - it only takes a few seconds, a few regrettable steps or a few guilty mistakes to break ones trust that took such a long time to build.

"Swear this one you'll save, better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave ..." these are the lyrics that follow the one in the title, such a beautiful meaningful song by The Pierces called Secret. I like to think that secret is an old fashioned word used back in the days where trust was implicitly expressed through it, where as in the modern world as I said before it just lies in our silent agreement. It's just that understanding, that no one longer needs to say anymore "Got a secret ... Can you keep it?", maybe if one does it just signifies that you don't trust him enough - something to surely think about.